How can I get vncserver to use XFCE?

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After starting vncserver the first time, you will have a ~/.vnc/xstartup file which contains the instructions for starting the session. It tries to run the same session you would get if you logged in locally.

Edit that file so that it contains this instead (for XFCE):

#!/bin/sh
exec /bin/sh /etc/xdg/xfce4/xinitrc

Make sure the xfce-utils package is installed. Now when you start the VNC server you'll get an XFCE session, which is much better over network connections.